SpokenWord

Say whaaaaat??

This girl has been crazy busy! Between working two jobs, going to two schools and keeping up on everything I have on my plate I have no spare time! Literally. I now have to shcedule in chill time to take a moment to breathe. Somedays I’m just going going going and I have SO much to do that there have been several moments where I feel so overwhelmed. Moments where I felt like I couldn’t breathe as stress choked the air out of my lungs while my heart began to race thinking about ALL the things I needed to get done. Papers after papers, tests after tests, phone calls in between classes, emails in between phone calls in between classes and meetings after work which was right after school. All. Day. Long. Everyday.

Burnt out. Several times I’ve broken down feeling so drained with nothing left inside of me to accomplish all that I need to. So I finally sat down and had to decided on some things to let go of for this season. Those decisions were so hard! I LOVE everything that I’ve been doing! But all at once is is not allowing me to give my best at what I NEED to be doing right now. About a month after letting go of several things, a random out of the blue opportunity practically fell into my lap!!

I got a text from my mom one afternoon with a woman’s information asking me to call her because she was interested in having me intern for her magazine. SAY WHAT!????!!!? I called my mom and got a few more details from her. I began to think about the incredible opportunity that was before me. I knew I had to atleast try for. Part of me really didn’t want to pursue it. When would I have time for this!?? I’m already SO busy that I have to make it a point to eat or I won’t have time! Not to mention, I just gave up several things out of my schedule to make for breathing room. I decided to call the woman anyways. After a great and exciting phone call we set up an interview for the following Monday.

Now, writing articles has never been something I’ve dipped my hands into. I dabbled a little in writing travel articles for a travel writing class I took a few semesters ago, but that’s it. I have NO experience! I was able to send her a few travel articles and a creative piece for samples of my writing. I revamped my resume printed on fine resume paper and wrote a killer cover letter sealed in a manilla envelope. I felt pretty official :)

I was so proud of myself, I was 15 minutes EARLY to my interview! I’m the first to admit that punctuality is not my strong suit. Waiting for someone whom I’ve never met and my mother’s met once is somewhat awkward. I felt like a creeper checking out every person that walked through the door of the restaurant. As she walked in, I knew it was her. The interview went great!! She complimented my writing a lot and we talked about the magazine. This magazine is SO cool! Focused on the communitites within Octotillo, the articles are centered around the people in  and near the neighborhoods themselves. There’s a family of the month spotlight, business of the month, restaurant reviews etc…! It’s a quality magazine that’s all about local people and what they do with their lives!!!!!!!! HOW COOL!!!! I think it’s so inspiring! Local businesses also advertise in the publication so it’s a great way to support the economy and small business owners while getting to know their heart and mission. Oh, and did I mention that my boss is Christian? AND, the owners of the publishing company are BOLD Christians. This has God written all over it! At the end of the interview, I got the internship :D

I was also handed my first assignment. A restaurant review, which I just finished yesterday!! My boss loved it. I’m getting paid to write….about people…and get published too!! The magazine’s first run is in February :) I couldn’t be more excited! & shocked. Like what in the world!?!? Where did this come from?? I wasn’t even looking for it!

All this to say that sometimes God moves things out of our lives to make room for other opportunities that He has for us. I gave up my job working for my parents this last month and it seems this was part of God’s plan in doing that.

There are seasons we walk through that are crazy busy but we must press on. God purposed us to go through those seasons which also means if we’re obedient and faithful in doing our part, God will take care of the rest. God is so faithful. We also don’t have to carry the burden of stress through those seasons. His word says that it is His to carry. So if you’re carrying overwhelming stress, let go! There’s a difference between healthy stress that motivates you to keep doing what you’re responsible for but there’s an unhealthy stress that we’re not called to carry. You will know the difference when you’re in that place. I’ll give you a hint: It feels like you can’t breathe. You’ve done everything you can to schedule out your time but nothing is working. You feel exhausted and less than. Several break downs occur and you no longer feel inspired by the things you love, your life, or the move of God.

It’s easy to say, give your burdens to the Lord. There are no tangible steps to go through. This is because it takes FAITH to walk with God and in the life He’s called you to. He hasn’t called you to a life that would be easy for you to do on your own. If your life is easy for you to do on your own, then I think it would be beneficial to evaluate if you’re on the right track because with God because our lives witness the impossible, the miraculous, the God given favor and God given dreams  and opportunities when we’re walking with God. It’s never about us and our abilities but what God’s doing in us and through us just as we are. He has BIG plans for all of us and we can’t achieve that on our own! What would be the fun in that!?

Choose to put God first. In busy seasons it’s SO easy to not get your quiet time in with the Father. Putting God first changes everything! It changes you, your attitude, and your situation when you focus on God.

Take time to enjoy the simple moments in life. Roll your windows down and BLAST music while driving! This can be a great recharger!! Coffee breaks are also fantastic!

Anyways, I just felt like posting an update. If ya wanna talk give me a shout and we’ll figure something out :) And if you read this whole post, give yourself a pat on the back ’cause it’s LONG! Sorry! Ha :)

Beyond a hard earned cease
that calls to me,
caught in Season’s wondering winds
drifting off to sea.
Left to dream of dreams
whispered among pillows & pumpkins
can make a heart furiously beat.
After a wish’s second moment to be,
while slivers of yellow start to speak
under the rayless sky’s spread wings,
locked in a fragrance’s seize.
At last, the wills of essence are in sync.
If only in a breath’s momentary dream.

I Imagine He had Hazel Eyes

Standing in the corner of the inky gray light rail, he could tower over my five foot three frame by a good four inches. His dark hair lay flat covering his ears and swept across his forehead. Dark sunglasses guarded his eyes. I swear they had to be a light hazel color. A light golden brown with flickers of deep green. Sitting on the other side of the light rail, I observed his light complexion against the contrast of his dark hair. I glanced back out at the overcast sky in hopes I didn’t stare too long. Handfuls of people moved around in the space between us. Jeans, flats, shorts, pastels, bolds, layers, green, blue, and indifferent. After a minute went by, I glanced back over.

Black leather dress shoes encased his feet and a dark blue jean shaped his thin frame. A white V-neck hung from his shoulders complete with a navy blue blazer. Taking in his appearance as I waited for my stop to deliver me at the border of the university, I almost didn’t catch something he held slightly behind him in his right hand. The top of it curved in the palm if his hands, and shot straight down to the ground. Long, circular and black. A walking stick.

Fascinated, I walked behind him as he got off at my stop. He held his right hand out in front of him and moved the black walking stick from side to side across the ground before him. Feeling out for any barriers, people, steps, or potholes in the pavement, he pressed on steadily. Several paces behind the crowd, I could tell he listened and felt the world around him as the walking stick guided him. Blind.

Something about him clenched my heart. I found myself following behind him in the direction of my class, slowing my speed. As he moved the stick in front of him, he felt out a step down from the sidewalk onto a side street. Admiration pulsed through my veins, as I imagined not being able to see, left with a cane to lead me through life while immersed in a vast and blank darkness others can easily decipher through.

I recalled that trust game where a blindfold was placed over my eyes, and I had to obey the directions of a distant voice. Frozen in awkwardness my body tensed up. I didn’t want to move while underneath the blindfold in fear of tripping or walking into something. I remember terror seizing me as I timidly put one foot in front of the other and followed instructions hesitantly. The darkness made me feel isolated, lonely and left out. Knowing the voice saw something I didn’t made me aware of the lack of control I had. Vulnerable. Although the voice said right, I turned left in anxiety, my heart beating and my blood pulsing; I tripped over a cement curb. Stinging my hands, the cement snapped at my palms as giggles let loose in the background. Embarrassment burned my cheeks. I could feel eyes piercing into me, laughing, mocking. The biggest rush of relief flooded through my body when the blindfold came off.

There was no hesitation traced among his footsteps. He walked intrepidly with his head held up and facing forward, his hand stretched out straight, he moved. He knew where he was going. I couldn’t help but wonder if he noticed my presence behind him. If he did, he didn’t show any concern. The end of the stick clicked from left to right, side to side. As the tip grazed a patch of brick among the cement at a fork in the ground, he slowed to a stop upon the edge where concrete and red brick meet. His body grew still as he cocked his head at an angle, perhaps listening to the flow and sound of people around him. I imagine he had hazel eyes. I could almost see the green embedded in the light brown flickering at the flashes of people in front of him. To the left, he turned to walk towards his destination, seeing. Standing upon the red brick ground I stared at my black vans. Many times I walked in the same direction towards my classes and didn’t see the reddish brown brick circle amidst the sea of concrete. Turning to the right, I continued in the opposite direction towards my class, blindly.  

Spoken Word; Peter

There I sat fishing at the edge of the sea.
The waves were calm and I found myself thinking, wondering, on a sense of absence
Surely there is more than working to live and living to work.
A part of me says there is more truth, more meaning to our existence.
Day in and day out, casting my net, with flickers of doubt.
There’s something within me that yearns, cries out for more than I can see.
No more than a grain of sand am I, compared to the colossal sea
It was there, empty, unfulfilled I was found.
Unsatisfied, a dreamer waiting for a dream.
As I cast my net
At the sea of Galilee
A mere fisherman
You spoke, come and follow me
And you will be a fisher of men.
With no hesitation, no question
I left my net with
Only a confession that I had the impression
This is the true son of God.
Truth.
If you’re seeking the truth and the truth is in front of you, then you’ll see it.
If you think you know the truth, but the truth is right in front of your eyes, you may not know it exists.
There’s this sense, this sense that there’s more that what I’m seeing.
There’s this sense that there’s more to our existence.
If you’ve ever felt a sense of absence, you know truth when you find truth.
And the truth shall set you free.
Be careful, you can miss it.
Truth may not look the way you expect it to appear.
These are times when the truth may not be clear
Or even if the truth isn’t what you want to hear
If you’re seeking truth other than for what it is, you won’t find it.
No one anticipated that the Son of God would appear as a carpenter, a common man
Many waited, anticipated, stated that he would come a great warrior, conqueror, or leader
Mighty in physical strength with an entourage and air of domination
Instead Jesus, the awaited messiah was found at the table with the wounded and the poor
Forgiving and accepting the thief and the whore.
Only God could send a Savior in the form of a people loving, carpenter to save the world.
For He did not come into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him.
Many could not see it, could not comprehend it, refused to believe it,
Among us, loving us, healing us, Emanuel, God with us.
When He looked into your eyes, He saw all of you.
Every time you’re full of pride, ever lied, sinned, tried to hide away from the past,
He sees the good and the bad and yet He still looks upon you with love.
He knows every tear that falls from your eyes and onto your face, in fact He knows them all by name.
He knows ever fear that entangles you laying claim, to your destiny.
When he arrived, the hearts of men began to change, endlessly.
It was those moments, those lies, our pride, all that we tried to hide from, that pierced Him and nailed Him to the cross.
Our mistakes, our fears, our sin, He took upon our shame only to clear our name so we could see Him face to face.
A relationship, flowing with mercy and grace, His love covers us, making all things new for the old man has passed away.
I, Peter cannot fathom such a love. A love that gave everything for me. An undeserving, fisherman from the sea.
I walked with Him, experienced firsthand the glory of God and yet in the face of persecution I denied Him.
3 times did I deny.
No I do not know this man, did I lie.
Not once, not twice,
No I do not know this man, did I lie.
One more time
No I do not know this man, did I lie.
It was in those moments, I understood why Jesus had come. In that moment I understood the need inside of me for a Savior.
When the man accused.” You are one of them! He was with Jesus!”
Fear gripped my heart. My heart began to race and beat wildly.
I’d given up everything to follow after Jesus of Nazareth. My net, my boats, all that I knew, working to live and living to work.
I was a seeker of truth, but truth came in the form of a man, laying down his life for my sins.
I longed to be a part of something bigger than myself, was this it?
What if I was wrong? What if He wasn’t really the true son of God?
I could be murdered! I just…I needed a moment. I was overcome with doubt. But time, time was running out. 
No more boats, no more nets, no more talks of being fishers of men. I could die for this. This man, Jesus.
As I spoke the words,”No I do not know this man,”
I remembered proclaiming before Jesus, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God.” Shame overcame me as truth pierced my confused thoughts.
God, forgive me, I am merely dust. So weak am I.
For I am too human, a slave to sin.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate I do.
For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do, this I keep on doing.
What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this subjection to death?
Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Christ Jesus!
Only He is Savior, healer, redeemer, mighty deliverer
Through me a broken son, God chose to build the Church.
She will be the expression, the explanation of who God is.
Through His people will He be known.
Not because of what we’ve done, but because of who He is
Not because of who we are, but because of what He’s done.
With this message, God came as a Man, to make the ultimate sacrifice although
Many would not recognize him, reject him, deny him, crucify him.
But our good God longs for his people to know Him.
Longs so passionately that He sent his son to die for our sins.
It is by his mercy, grace and love that we are saved.
No longer am I merely following Jesus,
No I am redeemed, devoted, marked, changed
To deliver the gospel of the saving mercy of Jesus Christ for sinners like me
I will live and die for the cause of Christ.
That every ear should hear
Every heart believe
Every tongue confess
That Jesus Christ is Lord.
We are the redeemed, a beacon of light unto a fallen nation.
Only through Him is there eternal life and salvation.
Some would say this is the story of a fisherman
Some would say this is the story of an abolished law
It was never about overthrowing the Romans,
This is the story of a redeeming love, a merciful savior, an awaited hope
This is the story of Jesus the Christ, the greatest story ever told.

Carpe Diem isn’t overrated

     There’s something about the end that makes you think about the beginning. The same works with death, the next thought leading to life.  Sitting in the back of the old church chapel, I was uncomfortably aware of my dry face among all the tear stricken faces and bright red noses. Eulogies and Biblical scriptures were shared to comfort the grieving.  Although I am sad, the truth is you died a long time ago. I was 4 years old the last time I saw you full of life.

     It was that time my parents were out of town again and I was left to stay with grandma and grandpa and you. Sad and missing my parents, I remember wearing my pink Barbie pajamas with tight blond ringlets, begging grandma to let me stay up longer. I was beginning to frustrate her and you came at me quickly, swooping me high into the air as I gasped unexpectedly. I couldn’t stop giggling as you tickled me until I couldn’t breathe anymore.  “Polly Sue!” You would call out, chasing me around the house for what could have been hours. Indignant, I would stop running anytime you called me Polly Sue and insist that my name was Kari Ann. Tugging on the tight curls that Grandma spent hours on with her curling iron, you teased, “I only have one niece named Kari Ann and she has straight blond hair. Not curls.” “I am NOT Polly Sue!” I cried, stomping my heel on the white tiled kitchen floor. You laughed and swung me high into the air making me forget all about how much I missed my parents. That was the last time I saw you alive and happy.

    Over the years the you I knew faded into the image of a sad, lost man. Your body would shake visibly, sometimes your hands were stained with ink, your fingers would have paper cuts and an occasional bruise around your eye from another fight.  Addictions you chose forced you to be a recluse. The truth is you died a long time ago. I often wonder where the you I used to know went. Looking through your pictures, I couldn’t help but wish you would have chosen to live longer. They said you were found on a bench at a bus stop. What was your last thought? Where were you headed? Was your life all that you hoped it would be? There’s something about an ending that makes you think about the beginning. The same works with death, the next thought leading to life. Hopefully you chose to live. And lived well.

Two sisters one heart update

After more research, I discovered that the walk for Emma & Taylor Bailey is the final one. For three years the walk was to raise medical funding for the family & this year the walk will serve as a memorial. I have to do it.
I decided to talk to my dad about the cost & he said he’d support me. Saturday, February 26th I will be participating in the walk for Two sisters-one heart! I realize it’s not much, but I’m hoping that my support & involvement will bless the Bailey family. I can’t even begin to comprehend the sorrow that haunts them each day. Unsure of where the Bailey’s are in the healing process, my hope is that by walking I can help them believe in the beauty of life again.

www.twosisters-oneheart.blogspot.com

Two Sisters-One Heart

My heart goes out to a family who lost their 4 year-old twin daughters last August. These twin girls were special, they were conjoined at the heart. Living long past the expectations of doctors, their parents decided to do a surgery that would seperate them. Every surgery has a risk but it was greatly anticipated that these girls would have an incredible story & lives. Unexpectedly, the complications occured on the operating table.
I cannot even begin to fathom the depths of sorrow this family has experienced. Who can fully know the horrors of such a tragedy? I want to do something for the family. There is a walk done every year at the end of February in honor of Emma & Taylor Bailey. Before the walk was to raise medical funds for the girls but now it’s for support. I would like to do the walk but it costs $20.00 & as a poor college student that is a lot of money I’m not sure I should spend. What else could I do? Or is splurging on the walk the best thing? Suggestions?

I no longer believe in God. Atleast I haven’t been living or expecting like I do. Somewhere over the past few years, I’ve stopped believing in God, or stopped trusting. His existence and presence is undeniable but His heart and power I no longer trust in.

From the age of nine, God got a hold of my heart in a great way when the reality of who He is pierced the depths of my heart. Leading me by the hand, He led me through heartache, devastation, depression, fear and uncertainty. A person in my family made horrible decisions that greatly affected me. For years I prayed that God would intervene and change the circumstances and for moments He did.

I waited and waited expectantly believing that God would do radical things in the life of this other person. Over and over I was disappointed, day-by-day, night-by-night, year-by-year. Fed empty promises I stopped believing in people. Stopped trusting in people. Stopped believing in God.

Fears began to arise within the secret of my heart, that I too would know a life of meaningless words, disappointment, mediocrity and pain. As those fears became more real, I began to let God in less and less. Without noticing what I was doing, I put up walls in my heart against God. Too afraid to believe, to trust in Him again for fear of being disappointed, wounds began to fester within my heart. Cavities appeared and decay began to slowly take over where I refused to let God in. Mistrust of God’s heart and promises began to overflow into the larger part of my heart where God was allowed. An increase of mistrust, pain and fear would turn me into an empty shell of a person. This human heart can’t go on like this.

At the beginning of this year God spoke to me and let me know that this year He is going to teach me about His heart. To be honest I’m scared. Being vulnerable with God scares me. I’m so tired of being disappointed and afraid of being hurt. Yesterday God spoke loudly into my thoughts concerning the fear I clung to in my heart and said,” Fear was never yours to hold. It was mine.”  My heart is under intensive construction as God digs deep within my heart so that He can heal it.

I’ve been reading a lot about the heart of God in Psalms this year. His people throughout all ages since the beginning of time proclaim of his relentless love and faithfulness. This is my inheritance. Proverbs 10:28 says,” The hopes of the godly result in happiness.”  Along with that, Psalm 31:24 says,” So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” Psalm 27:14 says,” Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”  I will gladly wait bravely and courageously for the Lord in hoping that He’ll move radically in my life and in the lives of those around me! While waiting for God, no matter how long that may be for Him to answer the desires of your heart, don’t allow your faith to become faded and torn. We’re supposed to be strong and wait bravely, courageously!

I’m so excited about the heart of God. His heart towards His people is so good! I know that as I learn to trust in Him my life will begin to shift in response to his presence in my heart. I want to actually believe and expect with all my heart that God will show up in life. Believing with every fiber of my being in who God is as I give to him all that’s in my heart. Redeemer, Sovereign, Holy, Mighty Deliverer, My Rock, Savior and Healer. As a manifestation of the remodeling He’s doing I know He’s going to be reconstructing relationships with people in my life. Taking risks first with God will allow me to be more vulnerable with people. 

Are you a Christian who no longer believes in God?

I challenge you to pursue the heart of God.