I no longer believe in God. Atleast I haven’t been living or expecting like I do. Somewhere over the past few years, I’ve stopped believing in God, or stopped trusting. His existence and presence is undeniable but His heart and power I no longer trust in.
From the age of nine, God got a hold of my heart in a great way when the reality of who He is pierced the depths of my heart. Leading me by the hand, He led me through heartache, devastation, depression, fear and uncertainty. A person in my family made horrible decisions that greatly affected me. For years I prayed that God would intervene and change the circumstances and for moments He did.
I waited and waited expectantly believing that God would do radical things in the life of this other person. Over and over I was disappointed, day-by-day, night-by-night, year-by-year. Fed empty promises I stopped believing in people. Stopped trusting in people. Stopped believing in God.
Fears began to arise within the secret of my heart, that I too would know a life of meaningless words, disappointment, mediocrity and pain. As those fears became more real, I began to let God in less and less. Without noticing what I was doing, I put up walls in my heart against God. Too afraid to believe, to trust in Him again for fear of being disappointed, wounds began to fester within my heart. Cavities appeared and decay began to slowly take over where I refused to let God in. Mistrust of God’s heart and promises began to overflow into the larger part of my heart where God was allowed. An increase of mistrust, pain and fear would turn me into an empty shell of a person. This human heart can’t go on like this.
At the beginning of this year God spoke to me and let me know that this year He is going to teach me about His heart. To be honest I’m scared. Being vulnerable with God scares me. I’m so tired of being disappointed and afraid of being hurt. Yesterday God spoke loudly into my thoughts concerning the fear I clung to in my heart and said,” Fear was never yours to hold. It was mine.” My heart is under intensive construction as God digs deep within my heart so that He can heal it.
I’ve been reading a lot about the heart of God in Psalms this year. His people throughout all ages since the beginning of time proclaim of his relentless love and faithfulness. This is my inheritance. Proverbs 10:28 says,” The hopes of the godly result in happiness.” Along with that, Psalm 31:24 says,” So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!” Psalm 27:14 says,” Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” I will gladly wait bravely and courageously for the Lord in hoping that He’ll move radically in my life and in the lives of those around me! While waiting for God, no matter how long that may be for Him to answer the desires of your heart, don’t allow your faith to become faded and torn. We’re supposed to be strong and wait bravely, courageously!
I’m so excited about the heart of God. His heart towards His people is so good! I know that as I learn to trust in Him my life will begin to shift in response to his presence in my heart. I want to actually believe and expect with all my heart that God will show up in life. Believing with every fiber of my being in who God is as I give to him all that’s in my heart. Redeemer, Sovereign, Holy, Mighty Deliverer, My Rock, Savior and Healer. As a manifestation of the remodeling He’s doing I know He’s going to be reconstructing relationships with people in my life. Taking risks first with God will allow me to be more vulnerable with people.
Are you a Christian who no longer believes in God?
I challenge you to pursue the heart of God.
