Carpe Diem isn’t overrated
There’s something about the end that makes you think about the beginning. The same works with death, the next thought leading to life. Sitting in the back of the old church chapel, I was uncomfortably aware of my dry face among all the tear stricken faces and bright red noses. Eulogies and Biblical scriptures were shared to comfort the grieving. Although I am sad, the truth is you died a long time ago. I was 4 years old the last time I saw you full of life.
It was that time my parents were out of town again and I was left to stay with grandma and grandpa and you. Sad and missing my parents, I remember wearing my pink Barbie pajamas with tight blond ringlets, begging grandma to let me stay up longer. I was beginning to frustrate her and you came at me quickly, swooping me high into the air as I gasped unexpectedly. I couldn’t stop giggling as you tickled me until I couldn’t breathe anymore. “Polly Sue!” You would call out, chasing me around the house for what could have been hours. Indignant, I would stop running anytime you called me Polly Sue and insist that my name was Kari Ann. Tugging on the tight curls that Grandma spent hours on with her curling iron, you teased, “I only have one niece named Kari Ann and she has straight blond hair. Not curls.” “I am NOT Polly Sue!” I cried, stomping my heel on the white tiled kitchen floor. You laughed and swung me high into the air making me forget all about how much I missed my parents. That was the last time I saw you alive and happy.
Over the years the you I knew faded into the image of a sad, lost man. Your body would shake visibly, sometimes your hands were stained with ink, your fingers would have paper cuts and an occasional bruise around your eye from another fight. Addictions you chose forced you to be a recluse. The truth is you died a long time ago. I often wonder where the you I used to know went. Looking through your pictures, I couldn’t help but wish you would have chosen to live longer. They said you were found on a bench at a bus stop. What was your last thought? Where were you headed? Was your life all that you hoped it would be? There’s something about an ending that makes you think about the beginning. The same works with death, the next thought leading to life. Hopefully you chose to live. And lived well.
